I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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