i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
