uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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