I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
