She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
