gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
