I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You pole danced in your parka.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
