Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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