I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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