I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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