I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
