while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
