I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
