census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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