She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
