I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
