I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize