the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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