I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize