her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
