she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
