Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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