How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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