I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
