His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
