i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
