I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
