woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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