apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
