Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
