remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
