you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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