in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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