When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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