You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize