I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
