jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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