the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
