Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I will be naked everywhere
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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