The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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