i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
