I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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