i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
