i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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