she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
