I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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