I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
