i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
