So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
