'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
