I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
