Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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