That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
