You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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