I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
