I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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