Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I forgot how hot balto sounded
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
