Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
