The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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